War paint

I love hot pink….love, love, love pink.  I have everything in pink.  But NEVER, EVER have I ever thought of dyeing my hair pink, until recently. If you know me, you know I am totally straight laced and conservative.  But with my recent Chiari diagnosis and the fact that my head is about to be cracked open soon, I decided that I wanted to do something kinda wild and brave.  A warrior needs war paint of sorts and this is my way of preparing for my battle…..Bring it!

My Jordan

This post is a little different from my usual posts……

Susan, this is the neurosurgery office, we have received a referral for you to come and see the Doctor, can you come in on tuesday?  What?  That is the message  I had on my voicemail  just 2 days after having an MRI of my neck.  A routine test that I had done for some symptoms that I had been having and because I had some torticolllius (crooked neck)…..WHAT? HUH?? What was wrong with me??  

The diagnosis:  Chiari Malformation I……again……WHAT???  essentially it means that my brain is falling out of my head.  Truly, that is what it means.  Too much brain to contain one T-shirt says….another says, Chiari means, my brain is falling out.  Which T-shirt should I get? They both crack me up.

Kidding aside, this diagnosis was like a 2x4 straight between the eyes.  I was not prepared for it at all.  All the little symptoms I have had, well I chalked it up to maybe a pinched nerve or side effects from my medications……not that my brain was trying to herniate out of my skull and share space with my spinal column because surely that is NOT GOOD!

To be honest, my first reaction was ……...really God? Seriously God? You see, this is not my first "unique" medical diagnosis.  If it has a weird name, well then leave it to me to have it happen to me…..labral tear of the hip, tarsal tunnel syndrome of the ankle, the genetic drusen retinal disease in my eyes and now this!  Really?  I think my exact words to God were…….enough with the crazy S#%$!  But, you know what? God has broad shoulders and a whole lot of grace.  Thankfully he did not smite me down for stamping my feet and throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old.  He did not even put me into time out…...He sat there like the good parent that He is, watching me, protecting me.  Knowing that when I was done with the temper tantrum, I would want to run back into His arms for hugs and kisses and some TLC.  Because, isn't that what good parents do for their children? 

Im thankful for my faith, for a loving God and for wonderful friends who quickly helped to re-frame what was happening to me.  I could wallow in the "poor me" mentality or I could choose to stand up and face the challenge with everything that I have and see what God would do through the battle.  

So, I decided to overcome.  I decided to be a warrior.

Sometimes it amazes me the goodness of God and how He orchestrates things so perfectly .  Susan, He whispered……grow your hair long……Susan, don't go to Ethiopia in October, you need to rest…..Susan, work on your house, fix it up complete all the projects that have been pending.  Why Lord?  Are you going to take me into the mission field?  Are you going to bring me a husband?  A child?……I was obedient and I was all excited to see what was going to happen….This?  Well, this is NOT what I was expecting…..But, you know what?  I am safely in the US and not having my brain herniate in Africa.  My hair is long enough that you won't see the shaved zipper up the back of my head and when Im at home recuperating for 3 months, I won't have to look at the dilapidation of a house that my house was in……Yes, He is that good!  

He also uses people, people . Llke Holly Wagner ,who spoke at church, the week after I got my diagnosis. She is a breast cancer survivor and wrote a book called "Warrior Chicks". I highly recommend it for anyone who is going into a battle of any kind. There is sound advice in the book about taking your stand and getting ready and facing the battle with God on your team.   And if you want an anthem, well Mandisa's new CD "Overcomer"…..well that is your soundtrack!

In a few weeks I will have surgery to give my brain room so that it won't be squished any longer.  Obviously it is scary to have someone messing with your brain and spine, but I have peace about it.  I peace that surpasses understanding.  That can only come from one source.

Last week there was a message about how Joshua was leading the people to the promise land after 40 years and they had to cross the Jordan.   They had to "follow the presence of God" across the river and then fight Giants before getting to the promise of God.  That is me.  I am in a season where I am about to cross my Jordan…..on the other side, the promise Land.

Get ready for the battle…..here comes the warrior !

Tag, you are it!--Laser Tag

Tag, you are it!  A game we all play when we are children, so why not play as adults?

Last night I went with a few friends to play Laser tag.  It was supposed to be a group of us and only 4 brave souls showed up to face our mission.

Our mission…..Strap on your vest, grab your laser, find your way in the dark maze, and shoot your opponents with the laser gun without getting shot at first.  I have to say, with 4 people this proved to be much more challenging because you actually had to hunt for your opponents all in the dark with mirrors tricking you to almost shoot at yourself (I swear I only did it once….well maybe only once) while creepy music plays above you.

I was awful.  Not because I can't aim worth beans…but because when you get shot, the laser vest vibrates which made me laugh uncontrollably giving my location away, which then led me to get shot again within minutes.  It was so much fun, WAY better than paint ball (remember #15--OUCH).

So, I scored the lowest, but then again one of the players had military background---an unfair advantage!

It was so much fun though I really didn't care that I was doing so poorly, I loved the fact that I was laughing, really laughing, the kind of laughing that is the pure kid like joy.  That is way better than winning, any day!

GO Orange, take 2

On the original list was Syracuse basketball, so why not venture out and experience a Syracuse Orangeman Football game!

Honestly, I know NOTHING about football.  My dad was not a sports kind of guy, so our house was not the house where football was on the TV every Monday night or Sunday afternoons. What is funny, is that a number of my girlfriends are sports fans and know a whole bunch, so I go along for the ride to try things and to learn new things and I thought, why not give football  a shot too….wellllllllll maybe not :)

The day should have been great.  We had great seats, we were supposed to go to a reception before the game….one small glitch…..we did not know it was homecoming weekend.  Therefore, there was a sea of orange, EVERYWHERE and what should have taken us 30 minutes took us hours and we were so late that we even missed kick off.

Quite a different crowd than the basketball fans, a bit more drunk, a bit more boisterous, and a bit more obnoxious.  

Our seats were really good, it is incredible to me, that the Dome can house, basketball, football, and concerts etc.

The game…..well, Im no football fan, but when someone who knows nothing about football can tell you that the game is painfully bad, well then OUCH!  Needless to say, Syracuse did not win that day.

My friend and I might not have had the best of luck with things going right for us that day (ok, as a general rule things went wrong most of the day) But, you know what?  It was a day trying something new for me, it was a day hanging out with a friend, we had some laughs, and at the end of the day, we ate one really awesome fish fry at her favorite place in Syracuse.  

Those are the things that really matter in life anyway, aren't they?

Swimming back up to the surface

So, it has been almost exactly 3 years since my last post and I have decided to resurface.  Why?  Well I felt prompting from God.....I did something new this summer, something I had never done before, something that "would have gone on the list".....So, why not re-start it.....just with no deadline, no set number,

I wish I could say that after turned 40 then my life was magically transformed into all that I had hoped and expected it to be, but those trials that I faced during the year prior to 39 continued....and I am ashamed to say, that without the distractions of the "list" to keep reminding me to live life ABUNDANTLY, well I lived life adequately.  

As I posted during my journey to 40, my father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and 2011 was the year of loss......loss to cancer.   First my father, then my best friend's mom (who was like a second mom to me) , one of my dearest patients, and then my grandpa Louie........ God walked me through the toughest and darkest year with strength and grace that I KNOW can only come from Him, because there is no other way I would have made it through those times.

Now, many would hardly say my life is just adequate......I have been back to Ethiopia 5 times (ok, so I fell head over heels in love with the country), I serve, I am plugged in to church, I do some fun things,  I have good friends.  Isn't that enough?

But something spoke to me recently, no.....living life adequately is not enough. Remember what life what like when you were living it ABUNDANTLY?  Remember the joy you felt amidst the trials and the pain?  That is what God wants for you!

It seems crazy to think that fixing up ones house is living abundantly but I'm telling you that is where this all started.

Have you ever had someone come into your life and when they leave your life you think, what was the purpose in meeting them?  Recently I had that type of encounter.  I dated someone for a brief period of time and we just were not a right fit for each other.  But something about him, motivated me to make changes in my life.  I decided that I needed to stop ignoring the house projects and falling down aspects of my house.  No magic fairy was going to come and bitpty-bopty boop it to perfection, and so began my summer of caulk guns, paint cans, sweat and tears oh my!

You may say, how are house projects living abundantly?  Taking control over ones life, not letting circumstances control your life any longer.  That is living abundantly.  It was also a step of healing.  You see, some of the projects which had to be done, had been started by my father.....so completing them, well it might be 2 years later, but it offered a type of healing that nothing else could have offered.

You see, God knew....God knew that I needed a catalyst.  I needed a spark to light the fire.  So he brought someone into my life to be that, to be the kick in the pants that I needed to get moving.  Sometimes that just amazes me, about God.  He knows what we need, even when we don't and we don't understand why things are happening to us......  I don't know why it amazes me.....it just does.

My final thoughts

Well, my year of celebrating has come to an end and I wanted to share a few thoughts about my "experiment". Honestly, I think it was one of the best things I could have done with my life and it has been an incredible journey.

What started out as "I just want to challenge myself" turned out to be something so much more. God used "THE LIST" (as my friends and I refer to it) to work issues out in me, heal me, occupy me, distract me, push me to my limits, and show me things about myself and others that perhaps I would have not otherwise seen. For that, I am forever changed.

This year has been full of challenges. My dad was diagnosed with metastatic cancer and he had been fighting the battle of his life, as the daughter living the closest (and as a medical provider) it has been hard to switch hats between clinician and daughter, the ups and the downs of cancer treatment are so difficult on the family. My dearest and closest uncle passed away suddenly in March requiring me to go to Florida only a few days before my trip to Ethiopia. Honestly, the timing was God ordained as I was blessed to be able to be there to support my Aunt, and my sister and her kids were already in FL for vacation....God was so good to us such a sorrowful time. I acquired an illness in Ethiopia and returned with it and it lingered longer than I had anticipated, which prevented me from doing some of the things I wanted to do in the early summer. Then Fourth of July weekend, I sustained an injury to my foot by falling into a stupid MOLE HOLE ! That injury has lasted all the way until the present time and required surgery. But God has been faithful and I believe that "THE LIST" kept me sane during some of the darkest and most painful times of this past year.....it kept me moving forward, kept me pressing on! Despite all the things happening to me, I knew I had to finish the list and illness or not, foot injury or not, even my dad's illness (he would tell me to go and do things) did not prevent me from working on the list. The List kept me moving forward. "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" Philippians 3:12-14.

I recently saw "Eat, Pray, Love" and although the spiritual thoughts in the movie are not the same as my Christan beliefs, I believe that there are some basic spiritual principles that are true that people should glean. Eat.....well, this year has been a LITTLE too good to me on that front! I think I'm the only person who goes to Ethiopia and GAINS weight!....but oh, the food was so good. Pray.......During this year, my spiritual walk continues to grow. I have continued to work on my issue of "letting go" and letting God lead me. One thing I realize is that this is not a one time event, it is a continual process and I have to do it over and over and over again. But on a daily basis I'm ready to jump and leap--just like the trapeze or the repelling-- when God tells me, I'm listening and I will have faith that He knows what is best for my life. Love....well, I was hoping that this year would bring me a husband and maybe some kids. I know, I know I'm being ridiculous but a girl can hope can't she !? But what God continued to show me is that I have Love all around me and that just because I don't have those things does not mean that I'm not loved.......LOVE IS.......the children who want to hold your hand and play with you in Ethiopia, the patient who writes you a thank you letter because you kept her grounded on a day that she thought she was going to lose it, people who lift you up in prayer, friends who take shifts to care for you after surgery, a friend who did half of "THE LIST" with you.......and the list goes on and on and on in of examples in my head.

God knows the desires of my heart, but I'm glad that in the meantime I'm not consumed by lack of them. That He has filled my life with so many good things, for that....I am grateful.

This past year has been so wonderful, I'm actually sad to see it end. I did "The List" so that I would not be sad about turning 40 and the only thing that I'm upset about is that the list is complete. People ask, "So what are you going to do now that the list is done?" Well, I have decided to have an open ended list. A list of "Things I've never thought about doing but now I've done ....." Without a deadline, there is a lot less pressure, but still it is always fun to try new things, experience new things and LIVE LIFE ABUNDANTLY!!!! "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly" John 10:10. For that is what God wants for his children, that is why he sent his son Jesus...it is the way that I should live my life. Not just because I'm turning 40 but every day. I'm thankful for this lesson.....I'm thankful for His never ending love, grace, support and mercy.

#40 Renting lake house with friends

#40, the final thing on the list......I have never rented a cabin or anything like that and gone away with friends before, so I thought it would be the perfect thing to do to celebrate my 40th birthday.

I hunted and hunted for a place that could fit a good number of friends that would not totally wipe me out financially (although my friends graciously kicked in toward the cost of the place)....as "the list" has cost me quite a bit this year. Since some of my friends were coming from a distance I also had to think of a location that might make it easier for some of them, and I wanted it to be on one of the finger lakes. Plus, I did not want to be at a lake house that was right on top of neighbors....yes I had lots of specifications I had to meet.

BUT, I finally found a place on Seneca lake, Secluded Shores. And let me tell you......I was NOT disappointed. I had only seen it in the photographs online, but it was perfect! You had to go down a long gravel road to get to the house, and the neighbors were not close at all. The view......AMAZING! We were right over the lake and the covered deck around the house was the hit of the house and the place to be.

I only could have a certain number of friends that could be invited, which was the most difficult thing about the weekend as I had so many people who I would have loved to have join me.

The weekend started with my parents coming for the first night as most of my friends could not come until the next day. One of my Best friends and my God-daughter arrived late that night from Albany, so my birthday morning started BRIGHT and EARLY with a camera flashing in my face capturing my major bed-headed hair as she sang happy birthday and baby giggled away.

Another friend arrived late that morning and a friend from Boston arrived at lunchtime. It was an absolutely beautiful day.....unusually hot and sunny, but there was a wonderful breeze. Just relaxing, listening to the lake, enjoying the sunshine with friends was a terrific way to spend a lazy birthday afternoon.

For my birthday dinner, we met up with 2 more friends at the Moosewood in Ithaca. A terrific vegetarian restaurant, then we all returned back to the lake for my mom's famous "disappearing chocolate cake" with all 40 candles for me to blow out!

Saturday, the girls all went hiking at Watkins glen. I went along for the first little bit for a photo shoot, but due to my recent foot surgery I obviously could go no further so K and I took the little one back to the house for nap time--ha ha!!....she had no intention of napping.....

Then it was off to Wagner Winery for lunch and start our wine touring. We did tasting there and at Lamoreaux Landing Wine Cellars (http://www.lamoreauxwine.com/) , Leidenfrost Vineyards, and Atwater Estate Vineyards (http://www.atwatervineyards.com/). My favorites were Lamoreaux and Atwater.

Back at the lake house it was more relaxing out on the waters edge with wonderful snacks and conversation, until the wind kicked up and we had to retreat inside....then everyone disappeared to different corners of the house for nap time until dinner.

After a wonderful dinner, the sadness of saying goodbyes to some of the girls started as a few had to depart early.......taking us down to only 3 for the night.

The weekend was fun, I wish that I had been in perfect health so I could have been more active and engaging and peppy. I think that movies sometimes ruin things for real life. We watch them and they portray these perfect stories of how things should go, and unless they are a comedy they don't show: the grill that won't light, the stove burner that won't heat, the fact that my foot was swollen and I had to go home "NOW" and put it up or it would explode, baby needing a nap (or her poopy diapers), people being tired from their every day lives and just needing a break and crashing, that the wind was too much for the campfire thus no smores, wine tasting was enough---who needs to come back and drink more--we are old and that just makes us more tired. Movies just make you expect that everything will be perfect and that when a group of women go away together they will laugh, and giggle, and drink wine, eat food, play games.....perfect.

But one thing I have come to realize this past year (although I think I already knew it), Life is hardly perfect and I need to not be disappointed when it is not. I need to accept the beautiful moments that I DO have, the friendships that I DO have, the love that I DO have, the experiences that I HAVE had, and the life that I DO have for God has blessed me with so many wonderful people in my life.....this weekend solidified that. My friends are amazing, I love them so very much. I am so thankful that they could end this year of Living Life Abundantly with me and celebrate my turning 40 with me. They are truly a blessing to my life.