Waiting expectantly

My Journey to Motherhood

Hebrews 10:23 (NLT) Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for

God can be trusted to keep his promise.

I have always wanted to be a mom. My friends even from way back can tell you that

often I am the “mother “ of the group. It just did not seem to be in the cards for me

until………..NOW!

You see, in January when my church was doing its 504 hours of prayer and fasting, I

felt God say "it is time". So what is it time for? To adopt!

I have always been called to adopt a child, I never needed to “genetically reproduce”.

My baby brother is adopted and I have always felt led to do adopt as well. In maybe

2003, I was very attached to a little boy whom my friend Karen was fostering. He was

about to get adopted and they were worried that I would be upset about it because I

loved him so much and we were attached at the hip. But, I can tell you at what

intersection I was at when God said to me that one day I would have my "Kevin". So I

have clung to that promise that God gave to me. Then maybe 8 years ago I started to

have money taken out of my paycheck every month to put into an adoption fund. I

didn’t even look at the account, it was just there. But all this time I felt I was not called

to do it alone, that I needed a spouse before that plan could be carried out……but in

January God changed it when He told "it is time".

So I did my classes/trainings and in May I was approved and could start my search.

The search can be a difficult process and although I knew it would be difficult, I did not

expect the emotional roller coaster that it really is. The system in the US is so broken.

I now know why there are so many young people in the US who need homes, they get

stuck in the system…..workers don't call or follow up, they put restrictions such as the

adoptive family must live in the state of XYZ etc, and don't even get me started about

the fact that it is all online where pedophiles can troll for the most vulnerable and high

risk youth. The process itself is often like match.com or other online dating sites.

Along the way I have had an episode of heartbreak, but also revelation. I went into this

thinking I wanted a young child, but I believe God had something else in mind. My

worker asked me if I would take a teenager and that made me re-think things. Let me

tell you there are a lot of children who are 12 years old and older who need homes.

On 6/29 I had made an inquiry on a young lady and since my worker could only follow

up on 5 at a time, I did not ask my worker to follow through on this inquiry. Then

on 7/16 (almost forgetting I submitted on her) I received a request from her social

worker.

On 8/26 I had the interview and later that day got the best call of my entire life!

Congratulations Susan you have been selected to be A's pre-adoptive home (which is

what they call it until finalized). I squealed I was so happy. I truly believe God has had

His hand in all this. Both A and her worker are Christians and that has make parts of

the process absolutely wonderful.

I am unable to share her name publicly until adopted due to privacy issues. So, we will

call her "A", she is 12 years old and lives in the Midwest. The transition has been a

nice gradual one. It is hard enough being 12, but then having to move to a new state,

with new people, new friends, new school…….SCARY. She is so brave.

A few days after I was selected to be A's mother I was talking to the worker and she

told me that they would plan on bringing her for a visit. I was excited until she told me

that it took 21 days to book the travel. So I said, could I go there before then? sure!!!

so I moved mountains and 1 week later (Labor Day weekend) I was off to the midwest

to meet my daughter.

Of course it was nerve-wracking waiting to meet her and awkward a the very start, but

once her worker and therapist left us to be alone, things just fell into place. She is a

beautiful 12 year old who is nearly as tall as me!!! She was able to spend the entire

holiday weekend with me at the hotel. We had such a wonderful time. We laughed

and there were some tender moments as well, my heart melted when she gave me an

unsolicited hug or put her head in my lap when she was tired. But then came Monday

which was absolutely gut wrenching……..letting her go. When they got into the car to

drive off I started to cry. I didnt want to let my baby go. I wanted to take her home.

It is interesting because different parts of this journey have been like being pregnant

but in a unique and special adoptive way. Like, “you have been selected” feels like the

positive pregnancy call from the Doctor. And after meeting her and having to leave

her, it felt like my premature child was in the NICU but I couldn’t see her every

day. She is not ready to come home yet. We are able to talk via phone every few

days, but it is not the same as being with her. Somehow I actually even gained

“Pregnancy weight”. When does that start to come off???

I had been scrubbed the house clean---you know that "getting ready for baby" type of

clean. Cleaning things I have not cleaned in the 11 years since I bought my house.

We had to wait on the states to do their thing. Meanwhile they did arrange a visit for A

to come to NY and she visited 10/22-26. We had a very busy, but great time together.

When she left, I held it together (she didn't like to see me cry last time) and I did as I

watched her and her worker walk away. Then, I got into my car and bawled. It was so

hard because I knew that we were close to her coming home permanently but I just did

not know when, and that drives a person like me crazy.

This adoption process is not for one who is faint of heart. There are so many hills and

valleys, highs and lows. I have been very persistent with following up, nudging, and

sometimes plain old harassing someone until a job gets done. I think they will all sigh a

big sigh of relief when the process is over and I’m not bugging them. But I’m her mom,

that’s my job, to fight for her!

3 days after she left, I got the final word and a “delivery date” of 11/21/15. It seems

almost unreal, that the dream is coming to fruition. From the date of

inception, 1/11/15 when God put this on my heart until she will be in my arms will be 44

weeks, that is just a little longer than a normal pregnancy can go. Isn't that cool??

Im nervous, Im excited, Im anxious, but most of all I am fully of JOY. Besides having

God in my life, this is absolutely the best thing that has happened to me. I just want to

share with everyone I meet (and sometimes I do…poor strangers) I can't believe that I

have been chosen to be this child's mother. I have no idea how it feels to be pregnant

or to give birth, but to me, this experience is just as rich if not richer because I know it

is Gods plan for me and for A. My feelings are without words. I am so blessed.

Interesting…. last year on the 19th of November was my uterus day (aka

hysterectomy) , and the year before that on the 20th of November was my "brain" day

(my chiari surgery). November has been pretty significant now for the past few

years. But, November is also national adoption month. Although A will have to be with

me for 3-6 months before she will be legally adopted. It does seem fitting that our

"family day celebration" will be during adoption month. We will celebrate the day that

God brought us together to be a family through His perfect plan of adoption.

Psalm 113:9 (NLT)

He gives the childless woman a family,

making her a happy mother.

Praise the Lord!

War paint

I love hot pink….love, love, love pink.  I have everything in pink.  But NEVER, EVER have I ever thought of dyeing my hair pink, until recently. If you know me, you know I am totally straight laced and conservative.  But with my recent Chiari diagnosis and the fact that my head is about to be cracked open soon, I decided that I wanted to do something kinda wild and brave.  A warrior needs war paint of sorts and this is my way of preparing for my battle…..Bring it!

My Jordan

This post is a little different from my usual posts……

Susan, this is the neurosurgery office, we have received a referral for you to come and see the Doctor, can you come in on tuesday?  What?  That is the message  I had on my voicemail  just 2 days after having an MRI of my neck.  A routine test that I had done for some symptoms that I had been having and because I had some torticolllius (crooked neck)…..WHAT? HUH?? What was wrong with me??  

The diagnosis:  Chiari Malformation I……again……WHAT???  essentially it means that my brain is falling out of my head.  Truly, that is what it means.  Too much brain to contain one T-shirt says….another says, Chiari means, my brain is falling out.  Which T-shirt should I get? They both crack me up.

Kidding aside, this diagnosis was like a 2x4 straight between the eyes.  I was not prepared for it at all.  All the little symptoms I have had, well I chalked it up to maybe a pinched nerve or side effects from my medications……not that my brain was trying to herniate out of my skull and share space with my spinal column because surely that is NOT GOOD!

To be honest, my first reaction was ……...really God? Seriously God? You see, this is not my first "unique" medical diagnosis.  If it has a weird name, well then leave it to me to have it happen to me…..labral tear of the hip, tarsal tunnel syndrome of the ankle, the genetic drusen retinal disease in my eyes and now this!  Really?  I think my exact words to God were…….enough with the crazy S#%$!  But, you know what? God has broad shoulders and a whole lot of grace.  Thankfully he did not smite me down for stamping my feet and throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old.  He did not even put me into time out…...He sat there like the good parent that He is, watching me, protecting me.  Knowing that when I was done with the temper tantrum, I would want to run back into His arms for hugs and kisses and some TLC.  Because, isn't that what good parents do for their children? 

Im thankful for my faith, for a loving God and for wonderful friends who quickly helped to re-frame what was happening to me.  I could wallow in the "poor me" mentality or I could choose to stand up and face the challenge with everything that I have and see what God would do through the battle.  

So, I decided to overcome.  I decided to be a warrior.

Sometimes it amazes me the goodness of God and how He orchestrates things so perfectly .  Susan, He whispered……grow your hair long……Susan, don't go to Ethiopia in October, you need to rest…..Susan, work on your house, fix it up complete all the projects that have been pending.  Why Lord?  Are you going to take me into the mission field?  Are you going to bring me a husband?  A child?……I was obedient and I was all excited to see what was going to happen….This?  Well, this is NOT what I was expecting…..But, you know what?  I am safely in the US and not having my brain herniate in Africa.  My hair is long enough that you won't see the shaved zipper up the back of my head and when Im at home recuperating for 3 months, I won't have to look at the dilapidation of a house that my house was in……Yes, He is that good!  

He also uses people, people . Llke Holly Wagner ,who spoke at church, the week after I got my diagnosis. She is a breast cancer survivor and wrote a book called "Warrior Chicks". I highly recommend it for anyone who is going into a battle of any kind. There is sound advice in the book about taking your stand and getting ready and facing the battle with God on your team.   And if you want an anthem, well Mandisa's new CD "Overcomer"…..well that is your soundtrack!

In a few weeks I will have surgery to give my brain room so that it won't be squished any longer.  Obviously it is scary to have someone messing with your brain and spine, but I have peace about it.  I peace that surpasses understanding.  That can only come from one source.

Last week there was a message about how Joshua was leading the people to the promise land after 40 years and they had to cross the Jordan.   They had to "follow the presence of God" across the river and then fight Giants before getting to the promise of God.  That is me.  I am in a season where I am about to cross my Jordan…..on the other side, the promise Land.

Get ready for the battle…..here comes the warrior !

Tag, you are it!--Laser Tag

Tag, you are it!  A game we all play when we are children, so why not play as adults?

Last night I went with a few friends to play Laser tag.  It was supposed to be a group of us and only 4 brave souls showed up to face our mission.

Our mission…..Strap on your vest, grab your laser, find your way in the dark maze, and shoot your opponents with the laser gun without getting shot at first.  I have to say, with 4 people this proved to be much more challenging because you actually had to hunt for your opponents all in the dark with mirrors tricking you to almost shoot at yourself (I swear I only did it once….well maybe only once) while creepy music plays above you.

I was awful.  Not because I can't aim worth beans…but because when you get shot, the laser vest vibrates which made me laugh uncontrollably giving my location away, which then led me to get shot again within minutes.  It was so much fun, WAY better than paint ball (remember #15--OUCH).

So, I scored the lowest, but then again one of the players had military background---an unfair advantage!

It was so much fun though I really didn't care that I was doing so poorly, I loved the fact that I was laughing, really laughing, the kind of laughing that is the pure kid like joy.  That is way better than winning, any day!

GO Orange, take 2

On the original list was Syracuse basketball, so why not venture out and experience a Syracuse Orangeman Football game!

Honestly, I know NOTHING about football.  My dad was not a sports kind of guy, so our house was not the house where football was on the TV every Monday night or Sunday afternoons. What is funny, is that a number of my girlfriends are sports fans and know a whole bunch, so I go along for the ride to try things and to learn new things and I thought, why not give football  a shot too….wellllllllll maybe not :)

The day should have been great.  We had great seats, we were supposed to go to a reception before the game….one small glitch…..we did not know it was homecoming weekend.  Therefore, there was a sea of orange, EVERYWHERE and what should have taken us 30 minutes took us hours and we were so late that we even missed kick off.

Quite a different crowd than the basketball fans, a bit more drunk, a bit more boisterous, and a bit more obnoxious.  

Our seats were really good, it is incredible to me, that the Dome can house, basketball, football, and concerts etc.

The game…..well, Im no football fan, but when someone who knows nothing about football can tell you that the game is painfully bad, well then OUCH!  Needless to say, Syracuse did not win that day.

My friend and I might not have had the best of luck with things going right for us that day (ok, as a general rule things went wrong most of the day) But, you know what?  It was a day trying something new for me, it was a day hanging out with a friend, we had some laughs, and at the end of the day, we ate one really awesome fish fry at her favorite place in Syracuse.  

Those are the things that really matter in life anyway, aren't they?

Swimming back up to the surface

So, it has been almost exactly 3 years since my last post and I have decided to resurface.  Why?  Well I felt prompting from God.....I did something new this summer, something I had never done before, something that "would have gone on the list".....So, why not re-start it.....just with no deadline, no set number,

I wish I could say that after turned 40 then my life was magically transformed into all that I had hoped and expected it to be, but those trials that I faced during the year prior to 39 continued....and I am ashamed to say, that without the distractions of the "list" to keep reminding me to live life ABUNDANTLY, well I lived life adequately.  

As I posted during my journey to 40, my father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and 2011 was the year of loss......loss to cancer.   First my father, then my best friend's mom (who was like a second mom to me) , one of my dearest patients, and then my grandpa Louie........ God walked me through the toughest and darkest year with strength and grace that I KNOW can only come from Him, because there is no other way I would have made it through those times.

Now, many would hardly say my life is just adequate......I have been back to Ethiopia 5 times (ok, so I fell head over heels in love with the country), I serve, I am plugged in to church, I do some fun things,  I have good friends.  Isn't that enough?

But something spoke to me recently, no.....living life adequately is not enough. Remember what life what like when you were living it ABUNDANTLY?  Remember the joy you felt amidst the trials and the pain?  That is what God wants for you!

It seems crazy to think that fixing up ones house is living abundantly but I'm telling you that is where this all started.

Have you ever had someone come into your life and when they leave your life you think, what was the purpose in meeting them?  Recently I had that type of encounter.  I dated someone for a brief period of time and we just were not a right fit for each other.  But something about him, motivated me to make changes in my life.  I decided that I needed to stop ignoring the house projects and falling down aspects of my house.  No magic fairy was going to come and bitpty-bopty boop it to perfection, and so began my summer of caulk guns, paint cans, sweat and tears oh my!

You may say, how are house projects living abundantly?  Taking control over ones life, not letting circumstances control your life any longer.  That is living abundantly.  It was also a step of healing.  You see, some of the projects which had to be done, had been started by my father.....so completing them, well it might be 2 years later, but it offered a type of healing that nothing else could have offered.

You see, God knew....God knew that I needed a catalyst.  I needed a spark to light the fire.  So he brought someone into my life to be that, to be the kick in the pants that I needed to get moving.  Sometimes that just amazes me, about God.  He knows what we need, even when we don't and we don't understand why things are happening to us......  I don't know why it amazes me.....it just does.

My final thoughts

Well, my year of celebrating has come to an end and I wanted to share a few thoughts about my "experiment". Honestly, I think it was one of the best things I could have done with my life and it has been an incredible journey.

What started out as "I just want to challenge myself" turned out to be something so much more. God used "THE LIST" (as my friends and I refer to it) to work issues out in me, heal me, occupy me, distract me, push me to my limits, and show me things about myself and others that perhaps I would have not otherwise seen. For that, I am forever changed.

This year has been full of challenges. My dad was diagnosed with metastatic cancer and he had been fighting the battle of his life, as the daughter living the closest (and as a medical provider) it has been hard to switch hats between clinician and daughter, the ups and the downs of cancer treatment are so difficult on the family. My dearest and closest uncle passed away suddenly in March requiring me to go to Florida only a few days before my trip to Ethiopia. Honestly, the timing was God ordained as I was blessed to be able to be there to support my Aunt, and my sister and her kids were already in FL for vacation....God was so good to us such a sorrowful time. I acquired an illness in Ethiopia and returned with it and it lingered longer than I had anticipated, which prevented me from doing some of the things I wanted to do in the early summer. Then Fourth of July weekend, I sustained an injury to my foot by falling into a stupid MOLE HOLE ! That injury has lasted all the way until the present time and required surgery. But God has been faithful and I believe that "THE LIST" kept me sane during some of the darkest and most painful times of this past year.....it kept me moving forward, kept me pressing on! Despite all the things happening to me, I knew I had to finish the list and illness or not, foot injury or not, even my dad's illness (he would tell me to go and do things) did not prevent me from working on the list. The List kept me moving forward. "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" Philippians 3:12-14.

I recently saw "Eat, Pray, Love" and although the spiritual thoughts in the movie are not the same as my Christan beliefs, I believe that there are some basic spiritual principles that are true that people should glean. Eat.....well, this year has been a LITTLE too good to me on that front! I think I'm the only person who goes to Ethiopia and GAINS weight!....but oh, the food was so good. Pray.......During this year, my spiritual walk continues to grow. I have continued to work on my issue of "letting go" and letting God lead me. One thing I realize is that this is not a one time event, it is a continual process and I have to do it over and over and over again. But on a daily basis I'm ready to jump and leap--just like the trapeze or the repelling-- when God tells me, I'm listening and I will have faith that He knows what is best for my life. Love....well, I was hoping that this year would bring me a husband and maybe some kids. I know, I know I'm being ridiculous but a girl can hope can't she !? But what God continued to show me is that I have Love all around me and that just because I don't have those things does not mean that I'm not loved.......LOVE IS.......the children who want to hold your hand and play with you in Ethiopia, the patient who writes you a thank you letter because you kept her grounded on a day that she thought she was going to lose it, people who lift you up in prayer, friends who take shifts to care for you after surgery, a friend who did half of "THE LIST" with you.......and the list goes on and on and on in of examples in my head.

God knows the desires of my heart, but I'm glad that in the meantime I'm not consumed by lack of them. That He has filled my life with so many good things, for that....I am grateful.

This past year has been so wonderful, I'm actually sad to see it end. I did "The List" so that I would not be sad about turning 40 and the only thing that I'm upset about is that the list is complete. People ask, "So what are you going to do now that the list is done?" Well, I have decided to have an open ended list. A list of "Things I've never thought about doing but now I've done ....." Without a deadline, there is a lot less pressure, but still it is always fun to try new things, experience new things and LIVE LIFE ABUNDANTLY!!!! "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly" John 10:10. For that is what God wants for his children, that is why he sent his son Jesus...it is the way that I should live my life. Not just because I'm turning 40 but every day. I'm thankful for this lesson.....I'm thankful for His never ending love, grace, support and mercy.